princess in training

it's been a long day. a very long day. one thousand and one thoughts came to my mind. i'm lost/confused/sad/disappointed. with myself? with the other people? why do i always feel that although i dn ask for people to say it out loud, people somehow dn appreciate what ive done? well maybe it's just from my point of view, but it hurts, it hurts so badly deep down inside even if i sometimes don't show it. why? why? why does this always happen to me? all of a sudden, whatever that ive fight for for so long seems pointless. i dont long or yearn for recognition, because i know this is my passion, but the very least i can ask for is at least not to turn the knfe around and point it back at me. it's been bugging me for so long. i really try hard not to compare, but why? why do other people seem to be getting more of everything, care, concern? just take the example of birthdays. it's not to say im unhappy and disappointed about how others treat me or tk mybirthday (for example), but the innate human nature to compare sometimes gets over me and it just kinda somehow makes me feel like im kind of a lone person, where other people dont exactly care as much, even for the people i consider as 'close'. has the definition of 'close' been just a one-sided one? like in reality, these people dont consider me as their 'close' friend after all? has it come to a point whereby it's just because it's me that people dont care anymore? all these thoughts keep haunting me throughout the day. ive been trying to understand and refrain myself from getting such thoughts but an earlier sms somehow kind of triggered this whole thing again.

i know it may be because it's how and what i do, that results in all these. maybe i have been too gullible into thinking and believing in the ideals. maybe ive been doing the wrong things, mayb if i havent put in so much into all the things ive done/into friendships, when they somehow seem to disappoint or fail the ideal picture that i have painted in my mind, i wont feel as much a pinch as now. sometimes, maybe it's my fault for being / trying to be the best. maybe it would have been better off if ive just been like any other normal people with a bit of the slack and dont-really-bother attitude, so that i wont suffer as great an impact when all else fails. i think ive comeso far, but now it seems eternity away. for now, i dont even ask for any hint of appreciation; as long as everything goes well and please dont point the knife at me.